


Emptied (Phan)

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dan Howell - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Gun Violence, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury, Injury Recovery, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Violence, Violent Thoughts, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:49:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3664458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would you do if the person you loved the most did not even remember your name?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emptied (Phan)

He pulled the covers over his head waiting for something to take him away. He was tired, exhausted really. His head was flowing with shitty thoughts. It was raining outside, more than it ever did in London. It was almost as if it understood Dan. He suddenly felt too warm under the covers. He tried to get the idea away, but for some reason it was too much. He rushed to the bathroom, quickly grabbing the razor they never needed. They never did. Dan did.  
He sat cross legged next to his bed and got the cold, metal blade out of the plastic container. One he promised himself. One should be enough. He dragged the razor over his veins, watching the crimson blood drip. It was stunning for him, almost funny. The first time he had done this, it was raining too. He bled as rain poured outside. The chaos in his head spun itself into a silk of silence. He had stilled himself to the immediacy and the exactness of hand, blood and flesh.  
Phil came back to the flat with groceries heavy in his hands. He called out to Dan, half expecting him to help him out. He hurried upstairs, putting the bags down. He knocked on Dan’s door, he had expected to hear video games, music or Dan himself. It was silent and it scared him. As more scary thoughts rushed to Phil’s head, he barged in the room, to find Dan lying down on his bed, staring up to the empty ceiling.  
“Dan?” He was quiet. “Hey, baby, Dan! You okay?” He managed to say as he rushed next to Dan, crouching down on his knees.  
“Baby, are you okay? What’s wrong? Dan? Say something…” The silence was freaking him out, the scary thing about it was that it made the thing not mentioned seem as though it is much worse than you imagined, like speaking of it would give it shape and permanence.  
“Dan baby please talk to me.” He said as he held Dan’s hand close to his face, not hesitating to let his tears fall. He held Dan’s face between his hands and looked into his eyes, slowly planted a kiss on the young boy’s lips. He tasted like regret and love. He stayed close to him, pushing him aside and making room for himself in Dan’s bed.  
“Are you going to tell me what happened, baby?”  
“You will hate me for the rest of your life if I do. I am a pathetic loser with problems. You deserve better Phil.”  
“Please don’t say that. I will never hate you. Not in a billion years, not if sun burns out.” He added softly, tucking him and kissing the top of his head. “Now please tell me. Please Dan.”  
Dan was silent, despite the cold weather, it felt to hot inside his room. Phil pushed the covers over him, revealing Dan’s arm, it wasn’t what you would normally expect it to look like. Bloody cuts were covering his craved flesh. Phil caught a whine in the back of his throat before it could slip out. He had done it again. “Dan…” He managed to say before letting a sob escape his lips. “Why… baby, why did you do that to yourself? Dan please say something.”  
Dan hated to hurt him, but here he was, doing exactly that, again. He never meant to, but he always ended up like this, broken, in Phi’s arms, his tears staining his shirt. He swallowed roughly, before he violently started shaking. He couldn’t help it. It was not supposed to be like this. He struggled to get out of Phil’s arms, pulling away. He stared at his deep blue eyes soaked in confusion for a second before getting up, immediately collapsing. Bloodlost had made him weak and dizzy, nothing new. Phil jumped out of bed and wrapped his arms aroung him.  
“It is alright, baby. I got you. I am here I don’t hate you. I love you. I am here. . I won’t leave.”  
“Eventually you will.” He blurted out before breaking into agonizing sobs once again. “You will leave and break me… more than I already am. You feel sorry for me, you don’t love me. You just don’t want to ruin our friendship. Don’t Phil. Don’t feel sorry for me. I am used to people treating me like shit, I know that I am. Don’t… Why do you even love me?”  
Phil’s heart broke along with each word. He had expected to come home and find Dan on his computer, on Tumblr maybe. He would sneak up behind him and kiss his neck and tickle him and they would cuddle and make dinner together like they always did and sleep together. But he came home to a very broken Dan. He reached down, his fingertips brushing Dan’s arm. He turned the young boy to face him.  
“Hey, look at me, will you?” He unvoluntarily turned his head to look at Phil. “Can I see them?”  
“Phil… no. Why? Why would you even want to… no…”  
“No Dan, I want to see them. I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn’t there. Let me see them so I can kiss them, heal them.” He held his face between his hands, brown eyes lost their light. “I want to heal you. Please let me.”  
He held out his arm for Phil to see. There were about twenty of them. Some deep, some barely a scratch. Phil brought them to his lips, tracing along. He didn’t mind the metallic taste, he just wanted to make it better.  
“Are there more?” He watched as they boy slowly nodded and took his shirt off in one swift movement. He couldn’t help but gasp as Dan showed him the others. One was deeper than Dan thought, running from his hips to his back, leaving a deep purple scar. There were multiple under his collarbone. About fifty of them ran along Dan’s ribs. Phil kissed each of them gingerly, afraid to hurt him more than he already was. Tears glistened in his light brown eyes. “I didn’t mean for you to see these.”  
Now that he had seen how messed up Dan was, he would leave, he would run away. Phil didn’t seem to notice, his eyes were fixated on his scars, he held the boy close, scared to death to break him. “I love you so much Dan. I cant bare to see you do this to yourself. Please don’t do this to yourself. I am begging you.”  
“I can't. I am too fucked up to be put together again.” He watched as Phil got up, ran into the bathroom, clumsily grabbing at the closest razor he could find. He sat down next to Dan and placed it in his palm, closing his finger over it. Dan’s eyes leaked of confusion and guilt. Phil held out his pale arm, his eyes wild like nothing Dan had seen before.  
“Do it.”  
“What?”  
“I said. Do it. Cut me up. Just like you did to yourself. Do it!”  
“No!” Dan pulled away, taken back with Phil’s extreme reaction.  
“I said do it Dan. If you can do it to yourself, then you can do it to me.”  
“Phil… you can’t harm someone you love. I love you. I would never hurt you.” Phil’s voice was edgy but soft. Somehow he managed to be both of them.  
“I know. I love you too. Now please do it.” He shook his head wildly, mumbling something between no and I can’t repeatedly. “Goddamit Dan! If you don’t do it, then I will, and hear me. I won’t be as gentle as you would be.”  
The idea of Phil harming himself was unbearable, he touched the cold, sharp edge of the blade, swallowing thickly.  
“I am sorry Phil. I can’t” He dropped the razor as if it was a venomous snake, in a way it was. It poisoned you mined and numbed you, made you feel dead and alive at the same time. In a way, it really was. “I can’t. I can’t.”  
Phil grabbed it and stood up, dragging the cold metal over his white pale skin over and over again. We winced at the first cut but the instant pain of open flesh numbed him, he couldn’t hear Dan’s cries or feel his arms around him, neither he could see him falling apart at the sight.  
“Phil! Stop! I am begging you. Stop!” He couldn’t think clearly. Maybe, he thought, if Dan saw, he would stop. Maybe if he knew what it felt like, he would quit seeking stillness from a piece of metal. Maybe, he would stop.  
“Phil!”  
“This Dan. This is what you do to me.” Cut. “Everytime.” Cut. “You harm yourself.” Cut. “Imagine me,” Cut. “Doing it.” Cut. “Imagine yourself doing this to me.” Cut. “Maybe.” Cut. “That way,” Cut. “You will stop.” Cut.  
He collapsed as he burst into tears, Dean weeping at the other side of the room. After the adrenaline passed, he felt the pain. His arm was destroyed, but if that was what it took Dan to realize how much he loved him, he didn’t mind.  
“Just don’t do it anymore Dan. For me, if not for yourself. I love you more than you can imagine.” He clumsily stood up and pulled Dan to his feet. “I got you baby, lets clean your cuts.”  
“And yours.” He added softly. Was this what he was doing to Phil? He didn’t dare to dwell on it. He put his head on Phil’s shoulder and let him while he washed him and put cat patterned Band-Aids on each cut. He hadn’t cut too deep, there was no need for anything other than that.  
“Let’s clean yours now.” He said, his voice was hoarse from crying and yelling. He forced a smile as he ran the water over them. They were too many. He kissed him, wishing to erase this. He wished he could.  
“Shitty mood for a shitty day, huh?” It was easy to spot Dan’s fake smile for Phil. Having lived with him for years, being in love with him for that long, it really wasn’t hard. Dan could finally bring himself to kiss Phil again, a smile crept across his face, lighting up his eyes. It was a real one this time, he meant it.  
“Phil…. I am sorry. About… everything. I didn’t mean for you to see them.”  
“Ssh. I am fine. I am alright. I will make it alright. Just let me. I love you. I love you so much.”  
He slid his hand into Phil’s and latched them together. He gazed at their reflection, brown against jet black, brown against blue, healed against perfect. He fell in love with him all over again. Just staring at him, the way his lips curled, the way his hand fit his perfectly like a puzzle, his uttermost effort to fix Dan, everything about him was absolutely beautiful. He couldn’t help but fall in love with him.  
“Let’s go make dinner, or Chinese takeout?”  
He adored the way he tilted his head slightly, considering the options. His eyes lit up, suddenly.  
“You know, or we could actually go on a date. Yeah, let’s do that. To and actual restaurant and everything.” He paused, searching for Dan’s reaction. “If you want I mean.”  
He happily nodded as he pulled Phil into a deeper kiss, pushing him against the wall and letting his hips dance below his. He let out a soft moan before pulling away.  
“God Phil. You are so beautiful.”  
For and answer Phil brought his lips to Dan’s, feeling his smirk under them. He was so lucky to love him. He pulled his face closer, letting his hands roam around his body freely. The taste of guilt and pain had left Dan, replaced with love and maybe lust. He could feel Dan grinding against Phil’s crotch. Yeah, definitely lust. He pulled away, scanned Dan’s gorgeous face.  
“We gotta get ready, you know. Not that I don’t like this.” He presses his lips to Dan’s collarbone, Dan winced in pain. Phil pulled away quickly, eyes welling up with tears.  
“God, I am sorry… I forgot… I am an idiot.”  
“It is okay, it didn’t hurt much, let’s get ready.”  
They lingered a little before going separate directions to get dressed, their fingertips discovering the heights of their love. Dan closed the door behind him and looked outside, rain had slowed. It was funny. Rain was going along with Dan. He looked around his closet for a while before settling for a pair of black pants and a white button down. His hair surprisingly looked okay. Looking at his reflection, he spun around and grabbed his tie and black blazer. It was an actual date anyway.  
“Dan! What is taking you so long?”  
“I am coming baby.”  
He grabbed his keys and phone, and rushed downstairs. His stomach did a backflip when he saw Phil, literally sparkling with pure beauty and sunshine. It was getting dark and he seemed to light up the whole street, as well as Dan’s heart. Their hands connected the moment they touched and butterflies started flapping their wings inside him, making him shiver.  
“God Phil, will you stop being so hot all the time?”  
“When you stop looking like this, I will.” He said with a genuine smile.  
They started walking down the street, to the bus stop. Dan giggled to himself as he thought of people giving them funny looks as they walked in the bus, the boys in suits holding hands. Phil smiled at his childish laugh.  
“What’s so funny baby?” He fixed Dan’s tie as his smile deepened.  
“Nothing… I am just… really happy Phil. I am happy. For you, for me, for us. If I could freeze time, I would. Right this moment. You next to me, holding hands, going on a date. It all makes me question what did I deserve to deserve such a perfect boy like you Phil? How did I get so lucky?”  
Phil kissed him for an answer. They heard mumblings of disgust and “awh”s from the people around them. Dan pulled away, red with embarrassment. He covered his face with his hands and let Phil comfort him. He rubbed his back and planted countless kisses on the top of Dan’s head. They shouldn’t have had to pull away. If anyone could do it, kiss the person they loved. Why couldn’t they? It just wasn’t fair.  
“I am sorry Dan. I just couldn’t help myself. You are too beautiful to resist. I am sorry.”  
“Oh shut up. I am not beautiful.”  
“Yes, yes baby you are.” He said, his smile discernible in his voice. Dan buried his head in the crook of Phil’s neck and smiled. “And I love you so much.”  
They stayed like that until Phil announced that they were almost there. They both got up hand to hand and left the bus without a second glance. They entered the restaurant and chose a table next to the window. On the table, there was a white piece of paper with golden writing.  
“Reserved for Dan & Phil Lester.”  
Dan was taken back by the wording but he shrugged as he sat down. Phil’s smile was so deep, Dan felt like he was in a movie. It was like a movie, only better. Dan reached for Phil’s hand on the table and placed his hand on top of his. He was getting ready to say something but he was interrupted by footsteps to their direction.  
The waiter cleared his throat, taking both their attention.  
“What would you like to order Mr…” He glanced at the card and nodded to himself. “Mr.Lester and…well, Mr. Lester?”  
Dan failed miserably at hiding his blush, Phil’s fingers caressing the skin below his knuckles. After they ordered, they both relaxed, completely ignoring the stares of others. Nothing could ruin this, nothing could make this bad, not with Phil sitting across from him.  
Seeing Dan smile, even laugh like before after a day like that, Phi felt relaxed. His cuts ached and burned here and then, reminding him nothing could in fact, be perfect.  
They talked and talked for hours, their laughs mixing with the forks hitting the porcelain plates, giggling like 4-year-olds.  
“I love you so much.” Phil said out of nowhere, taking a sip of his wine.  
“So do I Phil. I love you too. I love you so much.” He sighed deeply, he hadn’t felt this happy for a long time, it felt unfamiliar and foreign. For a second, Phil seemed far away. It was like when he was thinking of something, his head tilted to the side, his fringe pushed away from his clouded blue eyes. He was inches close to Dan but at that moment it felt like miles to Dan.  
“So… uh… I have been meaning to do this… but, I never really had the courage… I should have done this months ago, I mean, years ago… I just… Uh, Dan?”  
He pulled out a black box, obviously for a ring. Before he even got to open the lid, Dan’s heart started beating out of his chest. It was impossible. He couldn’t calm himself. A smile spread over his face as he inhaled deeply. He had forgotten how to breathe, also not knowing what do, or what to say.  
“Dan Howell. I love you. I love you with everything I am. You became a part of me and I can’t thank you enough for what you have given me. Before you, I was just someone floating around this world, going wherever the wind led him. You gave me purpose, a reason to live. And I love you for that. I love you for everything Dan. Since the day I saw you, I knew we were more than just two boys living together making videos. You were first my best friend, then the love of my life. I love you, I love you so much. When I am with you I am lost, when it is at night and you are not by my side, I find myself wanting to get lost again. You are everything to me Dan. You are the one reason I wake up in the morning hoping to see you, you are the one reason I find a way to smile, you are the one person that can change everything around me with a one simple glance, on simple touch. Your eyes, your smile, your look in your eyes when you talk to me, your everything. It’s just everything about you that makes me want you even more. Dan I love you so much. Will you be Daniel Howell Lester? Will you be mine for an eternity?... Will you marry me Dan?”  
He opened the small black box to reveal a silver ring. Dan’s heart was racing. He couldn’t string those three letters to form what he wanted to say, he was frozen. He opened his mouth, he would say yes, but a distant sound distracted him from his thoughts, snapping Dan out of it.  
“Hey, faggots, go do your gay shit somewhere else, we have kids here. Nobody has to see your faggot ass faces. Get the hell out.”  
Dan turned around, the voice belonged to a man with his wife and two kids. Anger boiled up inside him, ready to erupt. If it wasn’t for Phil, he would have.  
“Excuse me sir. Are you talking to us?”  
Dan stood up abruptly, not daring to look at Phil’s direction to see his devastated face. He already knew, he didn’t need to look.  
“Hell yes I am talking to you. Do you see any other fags around? Cause’ I sure as hell don’t. Now get the hell out.”  
“I am sorry but we weren’t bothering you.”  
“Your gay faggot shit was bothering me. Are you going to get out or do I need to kick those faggot asses of yours out?” He laughed sickly, Dan’s stomach twisted with anger and disgust. He had gotten enough, he pulled away from Phil’s grip. He walked over to their table, ignoring the surprised faces of others. Anger visible in his eyes, he slammed his hand onto the table, tipping the wine glass over. As the glass shattered, the whole restaurant froze. Everyone fell silent. Dan moved his face closer to the man, his deep brown eyes shimmering with anger. He could smell the man’s breath on his skin, he backed away, swallowing thickly.  
“Listen to me you pathetic sad bastard. First of all, if you are bothered by our “faggot asses”, you are free to go, the door is right there. No one is keeping you here. I am sorry that you don’t understand love is bigger than our gender, bigger than us, bigger than you. And I am sorry that you will live the rest of your life as a hateful man that never knew what love was and never accepted anyone as who they were. I will not be defined by your prejudice, not anymore. Not after I found Phil, not after he taught me how to love regardless your gender. I love him with everything I have and what we have is past you understanding. If we disgust you, you should be asking yourself why is it disgusting when to people love each other to death. Tell me why!”  
He pushed the plates aside, looking over at them as they shattered. Phil had never seen Dan that way, harming something that wasn’t himself, with that cold look in his eyes. Dan felt like a stranger. He tried to make move towards him, but all he could do was to gasp. Not being able to keep his eyes off of Dan, he could barely see the man getting up to his feet and shoving Dan to window.  
“What did you say you fag? Love?” He laughed while he held Dan tight, raising his hand to swing a punch, not even a little hesitant to do so.  
“Him? Loving you? He just wants to fuck you in the ass, that’s what he wants.” He spat out the words like they were poison, blood pouring out of Dan’s nose.  
“Your small homophobic mind cannot function well enough to comprehend. Why are you so interested in our sex life? Who’s the faggot? Us? Or you?” He smiled the snarky smile of his.  
Phil could finally snap out of it and find it in himself to do something, he called for the security, bursting into tears as he saw Dan’s blood dripping on the floor, mixing with the wine.  
“Get. Your. Faggot. Ass. Out. Of. Here!” he said as he pushed Dan against the window once again. He walked away and sat down, smiling.  
Black spots blurred Dan’s vision, the only thing e could see was Phil’s blue eyes looking at him with concern. He held out his hand to touch Phil’s cheek, stained with warm tears.  
“I got you baby. He can’t hurt you now, I am here.”  
“I am fine Phil. I am okay. It’s nothing that I can’t take. Sorry, I ruined your night, our night.”  
“Don’t worry baby, another time. We will do it again another time. I love you, you know that right?”  
“Yes, Phil. I know. I love you too. Let’s get out of here now.”  
They slowly picked up their stuff, shared the check and exited the restaurant hand to hand. It was still raining. They ran to the closest bus stop and sat. Phil quickly pulled out some tissues to clean Dan’s face.  
“It is still beautiful, Dan. You are still beautiful. And I still love you, I love you more. I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself, for us. You did. I can’t thank you enough for that. I love you so much Dan. I love you so much and I never want you to get hurt like this again, why do people do this? Why do they hate us so much?”  
He smiled under the pouring rain and pulled Phil close from his waist. Their kiss deepened but Dan winced at the slight pain that rushed through him, his lip was cut. A little painful moan escaped his lips.  
“I love you Phil.”  
“I love you too. Nothing will change that.”  
The street light cast shadows over them. It was later than they thought and Dan was in pain.  
“We should go to the hospital.”  
He shook his head.  
“I am good. Do you want to walk, it’s probably too late for the bus anyways?”  
“Okay, if that’s what you want.”  
“You are what I want.”  
Phil breathed Dan’s scent like he would never get the opportunity again. Despite the cold weather, he smelled warm. They walked together in silence for a while, stealing shy glances at each other now and then. When they noticed each other staring back, they turned away and giggled.  
“God Phil, you are literally shining.”  
Phil gave him a blank stare. He didn’t know what to do with compliments from Dan, he always made Phil feel good.  
“No I mean it, you light up my world when I am in the dark, and you always pull me out. When you are with me I can see. And for that, I am thankful. You are my North Star, when I get lost and can’t find my way back home, back to you. You guide me. You are my home. I can’t think of a life without you and I, am inevitably in love with you. I love you so much Phillip Lester. And yes, my answer is yes. I want to be yours and I want you to be mine. I want to grow old with you and make YouTube videos with us baking with our kids. I want to hold your hand when I no longer need a haircut and no longer have existential crisises, and you no longer have to die your hair jet black. I want to be with you when I am wrinkly and you are wrinkly and… we no longer have to exercise. I want you with everything I am and I love you with everything I have Phil Lester. It’s hard not to fall in love with you, to look into your eyes and not want to kiss you. I am so in love with you, Phil.”  
Phil didn’t bother to answer, instead he pulled him into a kiss. They never shared one like this before, never this sweet, never this meaningful. It was a new kind of high for both of them. They were both in love and they both couldn’t help it.  
A familiar, stern voice interrupted the kiss, Dan immediately recognized him and pushed Phil aside, trying to hide his fear. They were in a dark, quiet street. He could do anything to them, nobody would hear. He wasn’t scared for himself but for Phil.  
The man walked up to them with a mocking smile on his face. Dan took a step back, he seemed like a wild animal about to attack its prey.  
“Well, well, aren’t you two sweet?”  
“Leave us alone. We aren’t doing anything wrong. We aren’t bothering you. Let us go.”  
The man took another step towards them, his face was so close to Dan that he could feel his warm breath, tickling his skin. He stank of booze and cigarettes, Dan backed away.  
“I don’t think so faggot. After you insulted me in front of my wife, my daughters, I am very bothered.”  
“Leave him out of this. He didn’t do anything to you, let him go.”  
“I would like him to watch while you whimper like a dog, shivering, begging me.”  
“You can hurt me as long as you want. Hell, you can kill me. I am not pathetic. You are. I won’t beg you.”  
He sickly grinned and started taking a silver metal object from his belt. Dan was confused. He held Phil’s wrist, he was trembling. He walked over to them until they were backed away in an alley, no one to see them, no one to them. He took it out, the street light flashing over the silver handgun. His smiled deepened into a grin as he turned off the safety.  
“Will you beg me if I play with you friend a little?” He chuckled quietly, pointing the gun to Phil’s chest. It took seconds for Dan to process what was happening. He pushed Phil behind him.  
“Dan what are you doing?” Phil asked nervously. He was scared, he was so scared. He was scared to death, but he couldn’t do anything.  
“Saving your life.” Dan stole a one last glance at those ocean eyes and smiled.  
“Pull the trigger you pathetic bastard. Who’s more manly now? Would you die for someone you just wanted to fuck? See, that’s the difference, you will never know what this feels like. You will always be hiding behind a gun; you will always be hiding behind your big words. But I am not hiding. Take your best shot.”  
He smiled and opened his arms. After saying that, a shock wave spread over his body. A dull pain at his side blinded his senses, his knees collapsing under his weight. The pain spread all around his body, his head fell. His temple erupted with the loud noise. The pain was excruciating.  
He heard the man laugh. He heard him yell. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he heard Phil too.  
“One last fag in this world. Hope you two will meet in hell.”  
He felt hands grabbing at him, worsening the pain like he had never felt before. He heard sobs, saw Phil’s eyes, his throat tightened.  
“Dan!”  
Every small movement made the pain worse. He laid his head down on Phil’s lap. Having done this a thousand times, he couldn’t help but feel home. He saw the gun fall, and saw the man running. He forced himself to move his hand to his side, wincing with every move. He put his hand on his bloody wound.  
“Dan! Dan!! Look at me, Dan please!” His voice broke as a sob escaped his soft lips.  
“I am… ruining… your…” he coughed roughly. “Your…shirt.”  
Phil broke into a sob, he couldn’t stop shaking. He held Dan tight, his mind completely blurred by what had just happened.  
“Stop worrying about that you idiot. Just… stay with me Dan please. Hey, look at me Dan!”  
Dan giggled through his tears, ignoring the sharp pain as he did so, he was happy. He was dying in Phil’s arms; he wasn’t dying alone like he always thought he would. He was dying at home. He was dying in Phil’s arms.  
“I am so happy Phil… I am dying and I am in your arms… and… can you imagine s-something… Can you-u imagine a better way to… die.”  
Phil held Dan’s face close to his, letting their tears mix together.  
“Baby, you are not dying. Baby you are not leaving me. We will grow old together remember. You and I. We will… baby you are not leaving me.”  
The street light was shining over them, two very in love boys tangled together, covered in blood. Sirens sounded in the distance, Phil looked around for the ambulance. Dan laid his head down, grinning, his face bright with tears.  
“Rude!” He tried to laugh but it got stuck at his throat, a wave of pain spread over his body once again. He was getting up. He saw red lights, blue, Phil’s eyes, tears, blue. Two girls picked him up and laid him on the stretcher. He held onto Phil’s fingers for dear life. He didn’t mind losing blood but losing Phil was too crushing to think about.  
“Phil… don’t go… stay. Please.”  
“I am here. I am here baby, you will be alright. Baby, I am here. I love you, okay? I am not leaving you, please don’t leave me… please… don’t… leave….me….”  
Dan felt the ambulance moving, a sharp pain dug into his arm, the light was too bright and the engine was too loud and it hurt too much and he was dying.  
“Phil… it hurts… it hurt… hurts so much.” He managed to say before warm tears made their way down his cheeks.  
“I know baby, I know it does. Just focus on me okay. Focus on me. I am here and you are not leaving me.”  
“If it was what it took… for that bastard to learn how much… how much I loved you, it is worth it Phil… it is worth the pain.”  
Phil laid his head on Dan’s chest, slowly rising, then falling.  
“Nothing is worth losing you Dan.”  
He couldn’t help his sobs anymore. Dan was paler than Phil and he was losing blood and the life was being drained out of him and he certainly was taking Phil with him.  
“Can you tell me… a story?”  
“Yes, yes of course. Of course, if that’s what you want okay. Okay. Uh… once upon a time, there was a beautiful brown eyed boy. He was so beautiful, people couldn’t look away from him. One day he met his best friend. They ended up sharing a flat, sharing memories. They slowly fell in love. When the beautiful boy was sick, his boyfriend would make tea for him and read to him. They loved each other too much. You could see it in their eyes, the way they looked at each other, looked for each other. How in love they were, it was always visible. They kept it a secret for a while, claiming that they were just friends, but a single glance their way, you would know it was more than that. And wherever they went, they always ended up in each other’s arms. They were each other’s home and they loved each other to death. They always would.” He was done. The story was over. Their story was ending.  
He burst into tears, Dan’s face blank, eyes fixed on the roof of the ambulance. Phil reached for the paramedic.  
“Is he okay? Is he… going to be alright?”  
“I am sorry… I… his wound is too deep. We are afraid the bullet may have punctured his lungs, or teared his internal organs. I would… advise you to prepare yourself for the worst.”  
What was worse than losing Dan? Was there such thing?  
“No, no, no. Do something! Save him! He can’t leave me… please don’t let him leave me. No! We are going to get married, adopt kids, grow old together. Save him! He can’t…”  
“Mr. Lester. Please calm down. It is important that you stay calm, please.” Her voice had a razor edge, startling Phil. He shook his head and turned to Dan, he was as pale as the moonlight, and his eyes were no longer open.  
“I am right here baby. I am not leaving you.”  
It was a short trip to the hospital, they brought Dan inside. Phil ran after them, only one thing in his mind; Dan’s blood mixing with wine. The whole world crushed over him. It was his fault. If he hadn’t taken Dan out, this wouldn’t have happened. Dan would be alive, they would be asleep on Dan’s bed together. Dan wouldn’t be fighting for his life and Phil wouldn’t be crying in the waiting room at three in the morning. His mouth was dry, his throat was tightening, his stomach tied in thousand knots.  
He pressed his lips together. He crouched down to the chair across the ICU, bringing his head close to his knees, his hands covering his eyes.  
Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the doctor exit the ICU, he rushed to his feet.  
“Uhm… is… Is Dan okay? Is he going to live? Is there… any hope that he can make it, any hope that he can return to me.”  
He watched as the doctor slowly took of his glasses and wiped them with the hem of his shirt, looking down. The feeling of being punched in the gut was not a familiar feeling for Phil. He had to brace himself for the worse, but he was not ready, he was not ready to lose Dan.  
He never would be.  
“He…” he paused and cleared his throat. “He… has a great chance that he will make it. He is young and healthy, but…”  
“But? That’s what?”  
“Mr. Lester. Let’s sit down for a while, shall we?” He put his hand to the small of Phil’s back, guiding him to sit.  
“Mr. Lester. I know this is really hard for you. Is he your brother? Or close relative?”  
He couldn’t help but smile.  
“He is my boyfriend. He… was, we were attacked by a homophobe. He did this to him.”  
He looked away, blinking away his tears.  
“Dan Howell has three major wounds, one of them got stuck on his temple. He will live, but the bullet, it damaged Mr. Howell’s memory. Long term, and short. He might not… remember you. Or anything in particular. He might not even remember his name. Dan Howell you knew… might be long gone. I am sorry… you can see him… if you want to.”  
Phil was no longer Phil. He felt like he was watching himself from third person. Someone surely had gotten up, blank expression on his face, his world falling apart piece by piece, but he didn’t believe that who he was seeing was Phil.  
What did he mean Dan wouldn’t remember him? Of course he would remember Phil, wouldn’t he? He saw Dan, heart breaking at the sight. Dan, his Dan, was connected to machines, tubes. He looked at the heart monitor.  
“That heart used to beat for me. Does it still? Is it your mind that forgot me? Will your heart remember?”  
He swallowed and sat next to Dan’s bed. Not Dan’s, he corrected himself, the hospital bed. Dan didn’t belong here. He brought the boy’s fingers to his lips and started weeping quietly.  
“You can’t possibly forget about me Daniel Howell.” He wiped his eyes clumsily, staring at Dan’s closed eyes.  
“Just open your eyes, okay? Just… don’t leave me. Maybe you already did, maybe you are still there, but… just don’t…”  
He looked over at the monitor, still steady. It was still. Still.  
“Baby they told me that you would forget about me. I know you won’t. I just know you won’t. Just please wake up Dan. I need you to wake up.”  
He got up and kissed the young boy’s forehead, his brown hobbit hair no longer visible under the bandages. “I will come back, I promise.” He said, whispering. “I just have to change. Then I will come back. I always come back to you.”  
He went home and changed quickly, not daring to look at Dan’s room, or his empty cereal bowl, his cactus. The house leaked of him, shoes thrown everywhere, video game controllers lying around. He went back to the hospital and spent the night waiting, his fingers dancing over the bright red scars, only physical evidence that Dan, was once his.  
Then he noticed his hands. Bright hospital lights illuminated his bloody hands, Dan’s blood. He let out a broken sob, rushing to the bathroom. Scrubbing wasn’t doing any good, he turned on the hot water and let it wash over Dan’s blood. His hands were burning but he kept them under the water. He dried his hands and looked up at his reflection, his sunken eyes no longer ocean blue, his pale was worn.  
He returned to the waiting room to find a nurse waiting for him, her face lit with a sad smile.  
“He is awake, you can see him.”  
Dan was awake, alive. But how much of him was actually Dan, he didn’t dare to question. He ran to his room, slowing as he thought Dan maybe wasn’t Dan at all. He hesitated but walked in. Dan was propped up on one elbow, laughing at something the nurse had said.  
“Dan?” It was well, Dan. But he felt distant. His eyes didn’t lit up when they met Phil’s, a smile didn’t spread over his lips.  
He is still my Dan, he thought. It didn’t matter if he didn’t remember, he would remember for them both.  
“Uh? Do I know…you?  
It hurt more than anything. Tears bit at the corners of his eyes, yet he somehow managed to blink them away. He wanted to leap into his arms and kiss all over his face, but he doubted he would get to kiss those perfect lips ever again.  
“I am Phil. Phil Lester. I am your flat mate and… best friend actually.”  
He couldn’t say boyfriend, his mouth wouldn’t cooperate.  
“Sorry. Phil. Phil? I don’t know you.”  
Phil couldn’t help it, tears started streaming down his cheeks.  
“Dan? It is me, Phil. It’s me. I am here. I told you I would come back for you. I did.”  
“I am sorry, I really am. The doctor said I would have trouble remembering some things. Do I really need to remember you?”  
“Are you joking?”  
“Sorry, I think you should leave.” His voice was soft and sweet, just like Phil had remembered. One difference was that he would never hear that voice shout his name again, or hear him say “I love you Phil Lester.” He would simply lose Dan.  
Again.  
It hurt more than he imagined it would. He stole one last look at Dan and left. He ran home, burst into tears as he unlocked the door, stumbling over Dan’s shoes. The flat suddenly felt too large and empty, thinking he heard Dan’s laugh, he went to his room, seeing it left exactly the way it was. He would come back to Phil, eventually remember him, until he did Phil wouldn’t leave his side. They loved each other and they would get through it.  
Would they really?  
Could they really?  
He shut the door and went to his bedroom, clutching a framed picture of Dan, sobbing until he fell asleep.  
Phil Lester.  
It felt familiar, like a word he said a billion times that didn’t make sense anymore.  
Phil Lester.  
It didn’t matter who he was before, he was just a stranger to Dan now. It didn’t matter.  
Phil Lester.  
He came every day. Every single day, he brought Dan his cactus, his favorite shirts, his books, video games, even some pictures of them.  
Phil Lester.  
Dan didn’t remember. Dan didn’t know him. Phil left. Dan was healing, he would leave in a week.  
Phil Lester.  
He wanted to remember him but he couldn’t. A part of him was missing.  
Phil Lester.  
He was so distant, yet so close.  
Phil Lester.  
He had a weird longing for him, looking forward his visits, yet sending him out every time. Every single time.  
Dan didn’t know who he was anymore. His friends came, talked and left. Dan was alone. Phi came, smiled patiently, and then left again. It was a painful circle. Dan was tired of not remembering Phil. Dan was tired of seeing the pain in his eyes when he couldn’t remember.  
He was tired.  
It was weeks after the incident, weeks later The Day Phil’s Life Fell Apart, the flat cold and empty without Dan, his arms empty without Dan. Everything was without Dan. Dan was without Dan.  
Dan was alone in his room, no PJ, no Chris, no family members. Only Dan, and Phil.  
“Hey Dan.” He paused, not knowing what to say. “So are you feeling better?”  
He smiled, it was fake. He wanted to grab Dan by his shoulders and shook him until he remembered. But he knew it wouldn’t work, if he didn’t, he would have tried.  
He had lost hope on trying. He wasn’t trying anymore. Neither was Dan.  
“Better, I guess.”  
Silence fell over the room. Phil realized the shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever. He wanted to yell, to scream, to shout, to rip everything apart. It wasn’t fair.  
It was not fair.  
“You really don’t remember me?”  
“Sorry, Phil. I don’t even remember my own mother. Who are you anyway? You never talk about yourself.”  
“Who am I? Who am I? I am the boy who proposed to you. I am the guy who you said yes to. I am the guy who is in love with you. I love you with everything I am and you are asking me who I am. How can you not remember me? Not remember our kisses, things we did. How can you not remember me Dan? How can you not?”  
He pulled out a picture of them together, staring at each other, laughing at something Phil didn’t remember. He gave it to Dan, tears shimmering his bright blue eyes.  
“You possibly cannot forget about us Dan. You can’t. You gave me a life and you can’t take it away from me like this. You can’t just become my whole life and then snatch it out of my hands. I won’t let you.”  
He was out of breath, he sighed and sat on the chair. His entire world was the heart beat on the monitor that echoed in his ears, his trembling hands clasped on his lap.  
“I am sorry Phil. I wish I remembered you. I wish I could remember you, but I can’t. I am sorry.”  
He was trembling so much. He was shaking so damn much.  
He couldn’t stop.  
Only now Phil’s heart was pounding to the point of chest pain that took his sparse breath away.  
Dan was silent, processing what just Phil had confessed. Phil hadn’t regretted it.  
For about five seconds that is.  
“Phil…” he knew Dan too well. He knew what Dan’s tone had meant. It was Dan’s “I am trying so terribly hard not to hurt you” voice. He hadn’t realize he was crying until a tear dropped on his jeans, leaving a dark spot where it had melted into the fabric.  
“I really I am sorry Phil.” It wasn’t his fault, not really. It wasn’t his fault that his memory was fractured. He hadn’t shot himself in the head after all.  
He flinched at the thought.  
“If you really don’t remember… how… how are you so genuine about your apology? I am a stranger to you.”  
A stranger.  
“To me, maybe. But to you, I am not. You know you were more than that. You know me better than that. You can remember for me too.”  
He looked up to Dan, hoping to see a sliver of hope in his eyes. They were still the same color Phil had seen after their last kiss in the pouring rain.  
Last kiss.  
Last.  
“Can I at least try to get you to remember? We can watch our old videos, look at our pictures, do things we did before. I would do anything to get you back Dan. You just need to let me try. I will be here every day, every moment, I will be here, next to you. You don’t have to remember. We can leave the past behind. We can fall in love again.”  
Blood, wire, cold, razor, Dan, sharp, hurt, pain, tears, blood.  
The past wasn’t that pretty anyway.  
“I love you too much to let you go Dan. What wouldn’t I give to…”  
“I am sorry Phil.”  
“Stop saying that! Stop saying that you are sorry! You are not. Stop lying to me! You don’t remember what we had. I do! And trust me Dan, it hurts more when you remember. So you know what? I will leave you alone, get the hell out of your life. You can have a fresh start. Fall in love maybe. I don’t know, I just know that I won’t with you if you don’t need me to. I am sorry Dan. I wish I could change things. I wish I could change the past. But I can’t. So I will change the future. Live your life for me, fall in love again. For me.”  
He got to his feet, not bothering to look at Dan again. He had memorized every inch of his face anyways, he didn’t need to see it again. He didn’t need a reminder for his broken heart. With the last shred of courage he had, he turned around and brought their lips together. He pulled away, a surprised look on Dan’s face. He hesitated, but took a step back. Phil paused, fingers encircling the cool door handle, but didn’t turn around.. There was a nervous shifting behind him.  
“Phil?”  
“I love you Dan. I really do.”  
With that, he was gone, leaving Dan behind staring after him.  
It was chilly outside, casual London weather. Phil kept his head down as he walked blindly, more tears threatening to spill onto his cheeks. He took a sharp turn to the left and rushed down the steps in to the glowingly lit station.  
That’s the door Dan got his face stuck in.  
That’s the escalator he has a scar from.  
Dan was everywhere. Everything hurt inside Phil.  
He went straight home, going into Dan’s room, almost tripping over his stuff. He got in Dan’s bed and breathed it in deeply. It was home and safety and Dan all in one.  
Oh God.  
This was Dan. The realization struck like thunder. One tear escaped, shivering, followed by another.  
And another.  
And another.  
Phil’s shoulders shook as he cried into the soft fabric. He lost track of time. Or how long he had been crying. Each time one surge of tears ceased , the next started merely moments later, until he felt as though he could never cry again.  
He was emptied.  
Dan didn’t remember Phil. He imagine the way he laughed with the nurse the day he woke up. He was happy. If so, so was Phil. Except Dan’s heart was empty of Phil.  
He was emptied.  
He dragged himself to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea, not like he was going to drink it. He left the cupboard open like always. This time it hurt to see Dan’s mugs. Something so simple, was enough to make Phil start crying again.  
They would never drink coffee together while watching Attack on Titan on the couch.  
They would never drink tea together while editing their videos.  
They would never make videos together again.  
As he took a sip, he eyed Dan’s cereal bowl, empty. His stomach was not fit for the tea, he dry-heaved, coughing loudly. His stomach was empty. He hadn’t eaten in a while.  
Emptied.  
He walked around the house like a ghost, picking up Dan’s dirty clothes, alphabetically organizing their video games, cleaned the house of Dan, except his room. The place still felt like Dan. He could empty the drawers, the boxes, he could throw away everything from him. Hell, he could empty the house of Dan. But he heart would never be emptied of Dan.  
Never quite empty.  
Never quite full.  
He was tired. The exhaustion of the couple of weeks fell over him. He was really tired. He needed sleeping pills. He needed sleep without nightmares, like he usually had.  
He was tired.  
He didn’t bother to push to thoughts away, went to the medicine cabinet. Looked around for a fast one, he was tired, he didn’t have much time left to cry. He reached for the closest bottle of pills and went back to Dan’s room.  
“I miss you so much.”  
But Dan wasn’t coming back.  
He got under the covers and wrapped himself in Dan’s scent, he would be eternally comforted. In a world where he was a stranger to Dan, living like a ghost would be painful and unnecessary. He touched the pink, almost faded scars.  
“I am sorry Dan. Goodbye.”  
He emptied the bottle one by one, cried and emptied himself. He was going to sleep and when he woke up, Dan would be there, waiting for him.  
Yes, that would be nice. He swallowed all the pills.  
I always found myself here, always ended up here. We would always come back home, that was what we had said that day. We would always come back to each other. Except the fact Phil was six feet under. I always ignored the fact he was still with me, every minute, every day, every single second, beating average eighty times a minute.  
Phil was still with me.  
Convincing myself otherwise was not an option.  
I sat down next to the grave, clenched my teeth together. If he was up there somewhere watching me, I didn’t want him to see me cry.  
Not like I didn’t cry at night. Not like I didn’t cry when people weren’t looking.  
Not like I forgot him. Not like I didn’t remember his smile, heard his voice everywhere I went.  
Not like I didn’t love him.  
Phil was still with me.  
Because admitting that he was dead would be too painful.  
It had been months since Phil Lester, the love of my life, my best friend, my home, had taken his own life.  
In my bed, wrapped up in my covers.  
But he wasn’t dead.  
Phil was still with me.  
Because saying that he wasn’t would be to blame myself entirely for the bullets carved into my skull and taking my memory.  
It was my fault, but I would rather keep Phil inside of me.  
Phil was still with me.  
And I wasn’t letting him go this time.  
After our kiss in the hospital, I had remembered. His humming as he cooked, the scent of his jet black hair dye, the softness of his lips, the ocean blue eyes of his, the way he clutched my hand.  
I had remembered everything.  
Phil Lester.  
“I remembered you asshole. I remembered. I was good for something and then you left me. You left me. You promised you wouldn’t. But you did.”  
“I fucking remembered you Phil. I didn’t give up on trying, why did you? Why did you do that? How could my Phil do that?”  
My throat hurt from trying to stop my tears. I was afraid that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to stop.  
I probably wasn’t going to.  
I let go.  
I didn’t care anymore.  
I let my tears fall.  
“How could you do what hurt you the most to me?”  
I looked down at the ground.  
The sun was creeping behind the clouds.  
My sun was underground.  
My sun was dead.  
My sun was gone.  
I held onto the stone, its edges digging into my flesh.  
“I miss you Phil Lester. I love you and I miss you and I want to change things and I want you back and I don’t know what to do with myself and I miss you. Where are you Phil?”  
Where was he?  
Was he gone?  
Was Phil gone?  
No he wasn’t.  
Phil was still with me.  
He would always be.  
Always.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry...


End file.
